My Post Election Memo


(With apologies to Michael Moore, as I feel like I'm channeling him here.)

To John McCain

Dear John:

I'd like to say you fought a valiant campaign, but that would be lying. And we've had too much of that lately. For the past 12 months we've seen the evil, petty, nasty John McCain, while the straight-talkin' independent-thinking "maverick" was bound and gagged in an undisclosed location under the RNC headquarters.

Last night's concession speech was gracious and eloquent; a hopeful sign the good McCain may have finally returned. But after this year's nasty, vicious, erratic display, we feel very lucky you're going home to one of your 8 9 10 11 houses.

To Sarah Palin

Dear Sarah:

You know, it was real swell meeting you. I mean, gosh. You just lit up the national scene like a fire on a oil spill. The way you whipped up all those "real" Americans -- the mouth breathers, the wife beaters, the sixth grade dropouts with a grudge. It was a real slice of life. Just the opportunity to see Todd in a suit was worth it.

Now you can go back to staring at Russia from your backyard. And when you run in 2012, you can claim to have four years of foreign policy experience.

But feel free to keep all the clothes. I'm sure you'll find somewhere to wear them in Wasilla. You betcha.

PS: You're much hotter than Tina Fey... NOT.

Joe The Plumber

Dear Joe:

You know the old saying about opinions being like assholes? Your 15 minutes are up, asshole. Time to go back to fixing leaky cesspools instead of being one.

To the Democrats

Dear Eeyore:

Congratulations! It was an historic victory. You kicked ass. Well done.

Now it's time to go back to doing what you do best: fighting amongst yourselves. Or maybe you might try governing for a change. Just a thought.

To the Republicans

Dear Dumbo:

Don't think of this as a defeat. Think of it as payback for eight years of arrogance, ignorance, and unmitigated greed. The all-you-can-eat pork barrel bar is now closed. I hope y'all have good lawyers.

The good news? You can go back to doing what you do best: attacking those in power and claiming you'd be doing a much better job. As if.

To the Next President of the United States

Dear Barack:

You're brilliant, inspiring, and massively articulate. You've got a beautiful family and an army of adoring followers. You're skinny and have a wicked jump shot. We all want to be you. Hell, even Michael Jordan wants to be you.

But we wouldn't want your new job. You'll inherit the most daunting challenge faced by any new president since Lincoln. Two wars and a looming depression; staggering debt, a Constitution in shreds, and a sharply divided people who have lost faith in government's ability to do anything good. Got any more miracles left? We'll need em.

To the Real Real Americans

Dear Friends:

You did the right thing. You turned out in numbers so overwhelming nobody dared steal this one. You worked hard and opened your wallets with unprecedented generosity. After eight long years in the desert, you deserve to savor this.

Done yet? Because now it's time to double down. We have a serious mess on our hands and Barack needs your help. The real work is only just beginning.


McCain Picks up Key Last Minute Endorsements


Krueger, Crypt Keeper, sign on to Republican cause

By Dan Tynan 
The WitList

WASHINGTON, DC -- FollowingDick Cheney's rousing endorsement of John McCain for president last weekend, a number of the vice president's colleagues have come out in favor of Senator McCain during the waning moments of the campaign.

Austin Powers nemesis Dr. Evil says he can think of "a MILLION reasons" why people should vote for McCain. (He later revised this to "a BILLION reasons.") However, diminutive sidekick Mini Me said he's voting for Ron Paul as a write-in candidate. It's a height thing, Me explained.

The International Union of Evil Doers has been running a phone bank during the last week of the campaign, urging Americans to ignore their better history and focus on their more genocidal tendencies, says Lex Luthor, spokes-villain for the organization.

"Real Americans know that when you live in the greatest country on earth it's OK to be small minded, bigoted, and hateful," noted Luthor.

Freddy Krueger, of Nightmare on Elm Street fame, says he also favors the GOP. Though technically not corporeal, Krueger says he would be able to vote if someone falls asleep inside a voting booth and dreams of him.

The Crypt Keeper, currently retired and living in Florida, said he always looked up to John McCain as a kind of spiritual older brother. The GOP ticket also picked up endorsements from Cruella da Ville, Darth Vader, the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, and Voldemort.

In related news: Former Enemy No. 1 Osama Bin Laden has emerged from hiding to explain the lack of an October Surprise video during this election cycle. Poll watchers had been eagerly anticipating Bin Laden's quadrennial effort to scare the U.S. electorate into voting Republican. Speaking through his publicist,  Bin Laden said, "We ran the numbers and just didn't see the ROI. I don't think even I could swing this thing for McCain. Talk to me again in 2012."


McCain Picks up Key Last Minute Endorsements


Krueger, Crypt Keeper, sign on to Republican cause

By Dan Tynan 
The WitList

WASHINGTON, DC -- FollowingDick Cheney's rousing endorsement of John McCain for president last weekend, a number of the vice president's colleagues have come out in favor of Senator McCain during the waning moments of the campaign.

Austin Powers nemesis Dr. Evil says he can think of "a MILLION reasons" why people should vote for McCain. (He later revised this to "a BILLION reasons.") However, diminutive sidekick Mini Me said he's voting for Ron Paul as a write-in candidate. It's a height thing, Me explained.

The International Union of Evil Doers has been running a phone bank during the last week of the campaign, urging Americans to ignore their better history and focus on their more genocidal tendencies, says Lex Luthor, spokes-villain for the organization.

"Real Americans know that when you live in the greatest country on earth it's OK to be small minded, bigoted, and hateful," noted Luthor.

Freddy Krueger, of Nightmare on Elm Street fame, says he also favors the GOP. Though technically not corporeal, Krueger says he would be able to vote if someone falls asleep inside a voting booth and dreams of him.

The Crypt Keeper, currently retired and living in Florida, said he always looked up to John McCain as a kind of spiritual older brother. The GOP ticket also picked up endorsements from Cruella da Ville, Darth Vader, the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, and Voldemort.

In related news: Former Enemy No. 1 Osama Bin Laden has emerged from hiding to explain the lack of an October Surprise video during this election cycle. Poll watchers had been eagerly anticipating Bin Laden's quadrennial effort to scare the U.S. electorate into voting Republican. Speaking through his publicist,  Bin Laden said, "We ran the numbers and just didn't see the ROI. I don't think even I could swing this thing for McCain. Talk to me again in 2012."


GOP Defends Palin Clothes Bill as 'Economic Stimulus Package'


Veep candidate's $150,000 spending spree just a drop in the bucket, say Republicans

By Dan Tynan
The WitList

WASILLA, AK -- The Politico Blog has revealed that the Republican National Committee has spent more than $150,000 since last August making Governor Sarah Palin look "vice presidential." 

However, officials for the RNC defended the expenditures as an "important stimulus package" for sectors of the U. S. economy that needed it most -- the couture and cosmetic counters at some of our nation's toniest department stores.

Personal shoppers for the would-be VP racked up nearly $50,000 in bills from Saks Fifth Avenue in New York and St. Louis, and more than $75,000 in a one-day shopping spree at a Neiman Marcus in Minneapolis. That works out to an average of $2500 a day, or a rating of 4.25 on the John Edwards Haircut Scale.

Included in the costs was $4,716.49 on hair and makeup during the month of September. GOP officials defended the expenditure as necessary due to the rigors of the campaign and the difficulty of maintaining Palin's image as "Caribou Barbie."

"Have you ever tried to get lipstick to stay on a pit bull?" an official remarked. "We have to slap the stuff on with a trowel."

The WitList has obtained a photograph of what the nation's Hottest Governor looks like without her makeup.

Palin's supporters urged the RNC to continue spending whatever it takes to maintain the candidate's status as #1 MILF.

"Hell, she looks hot, and that's all I care about," said Joe the Plumber (note: not an actual plumber). "I'd even give up the opportunity to own my own business if I could make sure she stays that hot."

Joe Six Pack could not be reached for comment.

McCain Renames 'Straight Talk Express'


Campaign bus now dubbed Hate Talk Express

Special to The WitList

SEDONA, Arizona -- In an effort to reflect the changing tenor of the McCain Palin juggernaut, officials inside the McCain campaign announced they are changing the name of the McCain bus from the Straight Talk Express to the Hate Talk Express.

"It's time to formally acknowledge our strategy to bring reform to Washington, DC, by viciously attacking our opponent," said a McCain campaign official who was too busy liquidating his stock portfolio to offer his name. 

In a town hall meeting in this southwestern resort, McCain urged his followers to stop calling Senator Barack Obama a terrorist, Muslim, homeboy, spear chucker, waterman eater, jiggaboo, and Senator Sambo Osama.

"But if they want to exercise their First Amendment rights," said the candidate, "that's their cross to burn-- er,  bear."

McCain went on to slam Senator Obama for being a dangerously inexperienced radical who wants to socialize health care for millions of middle income Americans when he should be socializing banking for thousands of extremely wealthy Americans.

The GOP candidate contrasted Obama with running mate Sarah Palin, praising her pragmatic stances on state secession, the use of gubernatorial powers to settle family disputes, and her ability to kill, render, and dress an eight-point buck without smearing her lipstick.

"Also, she's fully protected against witchcraft," noted McCain. "That will come in handy if we're attacked by flying monkeys."

Cindy McCain is Pregnant!


Would be First Lady has potential First Baby

ST PAUL, MINNEAPOLIS -- In the capper to a day of stunning disclosures from the McCain campaign, would-be first lady Cindy McCain announced that she too is with child.

The 55-year-old beer heiress was thought to be well past child-bearing age and surprised both campaign staff and her husband with her announcement. However, she said she was determined to remain a svelte size five throughout the term, with the help of amphetamines.

"John doesn't spend all his time campaigning," Cindy McCain said, winking. "The surge worked."

When asked about the pregnancy, Senator McCain seemed puzzled and replied he wasn't actually sure of how many children he had, you would have to ask his wife.

Earlier in the evening, Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska announced that Bristol Palin, her unmarried 17 year old daughter, is five months pregnant. This put something of a damper on Internet-fueled rumors that Trig, Palin's four-month-old, is really Bristol's child.

"I guess that abstinence program we had her on didn't take," Palin said with a shrug.

The Palin camp announced that 14-year-old daughter Willow is not yet pregnant, but has a hot date for next Friday night, so anything's possible.

In response, an aide to Barack Obama's campaign declined to talk about either candidate's family, but assured voters that the candidate and his wife Michelle continue to have a robust sex life using appropriate birth control measures. He then mouthed the words "four times a night -- seriously" but refused to take any questions.

From The WitList

McCain as Maverick? My Ass.


I used to like John McCain. Not his politics, just him. Alone among all the Republicans (and virtually all the Democrats) he seemed like someone who had his own thoughts and spoke his own mind. He didn't seem to test out his sentences in front of focus groups before they dropped from his lips. He called it “straight talk,” and it was a welcome relief from the bullshit that comes flowing out of the Beltway on an hourly basis.

The John McCain who ran against GW Bush in the 2000 primaries seemed like a guy that, even if I disagreed with him on 90% of social issues, I could support and respect in other ways. He was the quintessential maverick, or so it seemed. Heck, even Jon Stewart liked him.

But not anymore. What changed?

At some point over the last three years McCain sold his soul to the White House. He traded public support for “the surge” for a promise of help rallying the Bush Base (billionaires + flat earth conservatives) behind him. He began to walk, talk, and crap like every other politician in Washington with his eye on the big prize.

The choice of Governor Sarah Palin as running mate is, publicly at least, a desperate attempt to resurrect that Maverick image. "Look at Johnny go, making a pick completely out of left field. He's still his own man, by golly."

But the reality is just the opposite. Palin is not a serious choice for vice president. She's Dan Quayle with tits. OK, maybe she's a little smarter than Dan Quayle. But imagine just for a moment the croak or stroke scenario: McCain suddenly kicks the bucket or goes into a persistent vegetative state, and we have President Sarah Palin. From mayor of Wasilla, Alaska (population 6,000), to leader of the free world in less than three years. What a great story for Hollywood. What a disaster for the planet.

Does anyone on the GOP side honestly relish that thought? Well, yes – the power brokers in DC who would use Palin as a hand puppet the same way they used W. (I wouldn't rule out Dick Cheney re-emerging to pull the strings. I still believe they're going to have a hell of a time evicting him next January.) Then god help us.

Palin is cute, no doubt about it. She has an appealing back story. She's like that chick from Northern Exposure – Janine whatshername. But what she really is, at heart, is a sop to the evangelicals that McCain desperately needs to turn out in force if he has a chance of derailing Obama. She's the female Huckabee. And if that isn't politics as usual, I don't know what is.

(I can't say I'm thrilled by Obama's choice of Biden, either. It seems a step backward in the wrong direction toward DC. But I also can't think of any really good alternatives, despite how pissed off my wife is that he didn't pick Hillary.)

When I was young, Maverick meant two things. It was a comedy-western TV show from the 50s starring James Garner. And it was a compact car put out by Ford in the early 1970s when Detroit was trying to compete with Toyota and Datsun. The show was great – Garner was charming, funny, and always two steps ahead of the other guy; the car sucked and was discontinued shortly after it debuted.

McCain as Maverick is much closer to the car than to Garner. He is a tired wannabee product put out by a factory town that lost its way decades ago. He's a lemon destined for the junkyard. And no amount of new paint – or physically appealing running mates – can change that.

From The WitList

Top 10 Reasons Why Sarah Palin is the Perfect VP Candidate


WARNING: The following list may prove offensive to women, mothers, beauty queens (current and former), Alaskans, those with bladder conditions, those too senile to remember how many houses they own, middle class millionaires, gun-toting Bible thumpers, and members of the GOP. Management assumes no responsibility for psychological damage incurred.

10. Raising five kids is a lot like negotiating with Iran, Iraq, Syria, Israel and the Saudis.

9. If elected, there is at least a 50 percent chance she will know what branch of the government she works for.

8. Though governor for only 20 months, one month in Alaska is like a year anywhere else.

7. She doesn't believe human actions caused global warming. God simply hates polar bears.

6. As the former runner-up to Miss Alaska, she'll have a big advantage in the swimsuit competition at the next World Economic Forum.

5. She can still remember how many houses she owns (3).

4. As a supporter of Creationism, she's sure to always be by McCain's side – after all, she's made from his rib.

3. She'll be able to help McCain put on his diappies when he becomes completely incontinent.

2. With a 4-month-old baby she'll already be awake when that 3 am phone call comes and McCain is in an Ambien-induced coma.

... and the number one reason Sarah Palin is a great choice for vice president:

1. As a longtime NRA member, she won't hesitate to shoot anyone in the face.

from The WitList.

Top 10 Ways Barack Obama is Like Britney Spears


Maybe the McCain campaign is right. Maybe Barack is just like Britney and Paris. Consider the following:

Top 10 things Barack Obama has in common with Britney Spears and/or Paris Hilton

10. None of them are natural blondes
9. They all appear in public without panties
8. They have more Facebook friends than McCain does
7. Europeans actually like them
6. They prefer terrorist fist jabs to high fives
5. People under age 35 have actually heard of them
4. None of them are married to scary beer heiress drug addicts
3. They know how to use the Internets
2. They all share a 72-year-old stalker from Arizona
1. None of them sings worth a damn

- The Witlist

What's Wrong With the New Yorker Cover


As someone who commits tasteless acts of political satire on a quasi-regular basis, I feel like it's my duty to defend the New Yorker in this current flap over its Osama/Obama cover. But I can't. And it's not just because I'm an Obama-head, albeit a late convert from mild Edwardsianism. I think it's because the New Yorker missed the mark, badly. And David Remnick's post facto explanations are also missing the mark. I don't think he gets what satire is supposed to be.

First, a few words about the cartoon. It's very good. I don't know Barry Blitt, though his illustrations have occasionally graced articles I've written (though not in the New Yorker, that's for damned sure.) But he nailed it, especially the Angela Davis look for Michelle. The problem is context. There isn't any. This is the New Yorker, for godsakes. It's not Mad Magazine. It's not The Onion, or Spy. It's not a venue, in other words, in which satire is a given, and people know immediately what the point is.

You dial up The Daily Show or the Colbert Report, and you know you're getting satire. It is called The Comedy Channel for a reason, though that reason isn't always obvious if you tune in some of their other shows. They don't run endless investigative pieces by Seymour Hersh, for example, on Reno 911. They don't publish pretentious short fiction. If Saturday Night Live put on a skit with Obama as Osama and Michelle as Angela, it would probably be a scream. Because that would fit their context. We'd all be in on the joke. No explanation necessary.

But for the New Yorker to run what is essentially right wing propaganda on its cover, sans explanation, and then claim that they were satirizing not the Obamas but the propaganda surrounding them, is just dumb. It's 'meta satire'. But meta satire isn't funny. And to people whose ability to detect irony is wholly missing -- which is to say the morons who form the larger part of the Bush Base -- it's the same as the truth. This cover is Christmas in July for every right-wing radio nut and web whackjob. I bet it's already been emailed and Xeroxed a million times.

Worse, the cartoon isn't even true to the spirit of the New Yorker, which is almost always whimsical. In an apparent attempt to defend itself, the magazine's Web site is running a series showing all of Barry Blitt's satirical cartoons under "The Politics of Satire." Some of them are quite funny. I particularly like the one called "wide stance," featuring Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadinejad as Senator Larry Craig. But there isn't any whimsy in the Obama/Osama cartoon. It's dark (and I don't mean that in a racial way). It's ugly in a way that even the most pointed anti-Bush cartoons are not. And unlike the other "satirical" cartoons the New Yorker presents, it singles out a presidential candidate in the middle of a close election -- not someone who's already president, not both candidates together, nor a long-dead historical figure. That series only points out just how different the Obama/Osama cartoon is.

More important, the cartoon isn't satirizing the truth, it's satirizing a lie. When the New Yorker depicts Dick Cheney as Archie Bunker and George Bush as the meek Edith, or as the Bush cabinet floating in chest-high water after Katrina, that's satirizing the truth. Portraying Obama as a flag-burning Muslim friend of Osama and Michelle as a Black Panther is the modern equivalent of portraying Jews as fat money-grubbing plutocrats in 1933, then claiming you were merely satirizing Hitler. It propagates the lie, not the truth. And that's what David Remnick doesn't get. As a satirist, his job is to propagate the truth. -- Dan Tynan

Setting the Record Straight on Michelle Obama


by Dan Tynan
Special to The WitList

As we all know, reverse racism is a terrible thing. For years White Americans have suffered at the hands of those privileged to possess a higher melanin count and superior vertical lift. We have been victimized by a vast Afro-American conspiracy to keep us from appearing on the BET network, starting at point guard for the Los Angeles Lakers, or dating Oprah.

Now, with the Obamas poised to move into the White House, it's time to reverse reverse racism before it's too late.

In truth, the problem lies not with Barack Obama. He's like Tiger Woods without the Swoosh. And being half white, there's a good chance he has an average-sized penis.

Michelle Obama, on the other hand.... Big Problem. Not only is she black and female, she's also angry. And there is nothing more dangerous to White America than an Angry Black Female With an Enormous Penis.

Despite near-documentary evidence to the contrary, Michelle Obama continues to deny she used the phrase “Whitey” in a conversation with Louis Farrakhan and Reverend Jeremiah Wright about the elimination of the Caucasian race. Maybe that's true. But if she's not a reverse racist, why does her official campaign limo have a “Honk if you're a honky” bumper sticker on the back? And why does she refer to the Oval Office as the “Ofay Office” when white people aren't listening?

White America demands and deserves answers to these questions.

But wait, it gets worse. Thanks to our exhaustive research, we've uncovered more damning evidence of Michelle Obama's hatred of her paler peers. Over the years she's made a number of comments harmful to the white race, followed by pitiful denials. Here are just a few examples.

Stick it to da man.” While touring a furniture factory in Ohio, the would-be first lady was heard to reveal her master plan for dealing with whites after ascending to the White House. Obama claims she actually said “Stickley – he's the man,” referring to Gustav Stickley, master furniture maker of the early 20th century. Oh come on. How would a black person know anything about that?

Foshizzle ma nizzle.” Michelle Obama was clearly seen lip syncing this phrase when she appeared in a Snoop Dogg rap video as one of his bitches. Obama claims to have never appeared on stage with the Snoopster in any venue, taped or otherwise. She did not, however, deny being one of his bitches.

I was marinatin' on the porch with my homies sippin on a 40.” Obama claims this refers to marinating pork at home for Barack's 40th birthday. This clearly an outright lie. We all know Muslims don't eat pork.

I'm gonna bust a cap in that white bitch's ass.” Obama claims this statement concerns a visit to her veterinarian's office and an anal suppository, and that “white bitch” refers to her Alaskan Eskimo dog, not Hillary Clinton. Please. Do you think we've never seen Cleopatra Jones or Get Christie Love?

Dyn-o-mite!” Obama admits she actually did say this.

This charade has gone on long enough. Can we really be expected to believe that the wife of the country's first semi-black presidential candidate could conduct herself as an adult in public? That a graduate of Princeton and Harvard Law isn't hooked on Ebonics or out to destroy the White Race as we know it?

What do you think we are, stupid?

Apologies if I offended anyone


.... with my Hillary jibes yesterday. (And I know I must have, because I caught an earful about it this morning.)

I wasn't trying to be sexist, but apparently I succeeded in grand style. For that, I apologize. They say that if you have to explain a joke it can't be very funny to begin with, but I'm going to try and explain it here.

First: I have tremendous respect for Senator Clinton as a person and as a legislator. I think she'd make a fine president (better than her husband, for sure). But I hated the way she ran her campaign. I hated the 'do anything to win' strategy. I hated how 'Republican' she acted, even if her policy ideas came straight out of the FDR-Kennedy-Johnson strain of the Democratic party. And the last thing this country needs is another Republican in the White House, in thought or in deed.

More than that: I hate 'politics as usual.' I hate the way Washington is run. The Clintons, smart creatures that they are, figured out how Washington is run and mastered that game. But the game sucks. I want someone who wants to flip the game board over and scatter the pieces. I don't know if Obama can do that. I don't know if any one can. But I want someone in the White House who is at least willing to try. That's why I support him. He's also the first candidate I've ever encountered as an adult who I'd consider the least bit inspiring. Hillary is admirable, but I'm not inspired.

Anyway, my post was intended to be a silly take on how the Clintons expected to march into the White House next January the way the Bush-Cheney administration marched into Baghdad, and how when everything didn't fall exactly into place they had no plan 'to win the peace,' as John Kerry used to say. (Talk about uninspiring candidates.) That was really the nucleus of the idea; the Pottery Barn thing was just a silly way to approach it. And apparently offensive. Sorry about that. Also: sorry about the 'bitch' joke. I knew when I wrote it I should have changed it.

This is the problem with trying to write in a funny and/or satirical way. Without an audience to play to, there's no way to know when you're just being an ass.

Future warning: if I feel inspired again to wax snarky on politics, I'm likely to make jokes about Obama appointing JayZ his Secretary of State or say something about how damned old John McCain is. So I'll just apologize now and get it over with.

Peace.

dt

Hillary Clinton Cancels Large Pottery Barn Order




Senator may lose $30 million deposit

By Dan Tynan
Special to The WitList

CHAPPAQUA, NY -- Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton has quietly canceled a large order from popular catalog store The Pottery Barn, sources close to her former campaign have reported.

The former first lady had ordered more than a dozen rooms' worth of furniture, rugs, and wall art, as well as a new china set for 200 guests. "Senator Clinton will no longer be needing those items," said an aide who asked to remain anonymous. "We have no further comment at this time."

The Senator, who formally suspended her campaign for the Democratic presidential nomination yesterday, had apparently placed the order last December, just ahead of the Iowa Caucuses.

Sources close to her campaign say they remain stunned by the outcome. The former first lady had been considered a virtual lock for the nomination when the campaign began in January 2007.

"We expected to be greeted as liberators," said one aide. "We were told it would be a slam dunk. Then this Hussein character showed up and took us by surprise. Obviously the intelligence we relied on was wrong."

The aide acknowledged that it was probably a mistake to hang a "Mission Accomplished" banner across the campaign's New York headquarters last May. The aide also said choosing Celine Dion's "You and I Were Meant to Fly" as the campaign's official song was another blunder.

"Even my mother doesn't listen to Celine Dion," he says. "Personally, I think we should have stuck with our first choice, Elton John's 'The Bitch is Back.' It was way catchier."

A Tale of Two Speeches


by Dan Tynan

Our little burg has been a hotbed of political activity over the past 36 hours. Sunday night I had the privilege of watching Hillary Clinton deliver her stump speech on a glorious spring evening against the backdrop of a purple sky and the USS North Carolina. Monday afternoon I got to watch the Obama traveling medicine show along with 5,000 adoring fans at UNCW's Trask Auditorium.

Two liberal/moderate Democratic candidates, two speeches nearly identical in substance and light years apart in style.

I'd guess roughly 2000 people gathered to hear Hillary on the Federal courthouse steps, next to the Cape Fear River. We spent 45 minutes in a line that snaked along Front Street and down Market, slowly working our way to the security checkpoint. Overall, it felt like a well choreographed event, even though it was scheduled at the last possible moment and Hillary started 30 minutes late.

She was not the cold, cut-throat bitch she often appears to be on television. Hillary was surprisingly warm and personable, and had done her homework – peppering the speech with references to Wilmington and the local economy for the first five minutes.

Then she turned into a policy wonk – going into specifics about her plans for providing universal health care, giving tax breaks to lower income people, making it easier to pay for college, etc. Textbook Democratic speech-making, handing out a little treat to each constituency. Interestingly, she seemed to be running on her husband's record – hearkening back to the economic boom times of the 1990s – while skipping over things like hubby's championing of NAFTA, welfare reform, and other things that probably wouldn't sit well with her base.

It was a polished, professional speech filled with predictable applause lines (Iraq, the price of gas, saving the environment, anything to do with “the two oilmen in the White House”) but rarely personal and never truly passionate. The response was enthusiastic but not overwhelming (except for the woman next to me, who kept shrieking directly into my ear – it's still ringing).

The next day was Obama's turn. Possibly because it was held on a college campus, but most attendees seemed at least a decade younger on average. (And Obama's volunteers were much, much hotter.) Predictably the crowd was also more racially mixed, though I'd guess it was still at least two-thirds white.

Hillary is a savvy, skilled politician, but Obama is a Rock Star. Maybe because it was indoors and the crowd was larger, maybe because you had to scramble to get a ticket (this was a total pain in the ass – I tried three times and came away empty, only to have two land in my lap that morning), but the excitement in the room was visceral. The stomping, whistling, clapping, cheering crowd exploded when Obama arrived on the dot at 1 pm.

Impossibly thin, wearing a baggy white shirt and gray slacks, sleeves rolled up and tie carelessly knotted, he was the antithesis of Hillary packed into her prim and spotless pale blue suit.

On policy, Obama's speech hardly differed from Clinton's. (You can hear a recording of it here.) You could have swapped parts of hers out for his and never known the difference. But when it comes to delivery, they're from different planets.

Obama has developed a terrific rhetorical style where he starts out quietly, strolling across the stage, talking about the problems you and I share like he's in your living room, just plain folks chatting. Then gradually he builds. The volume rises, the phrasing gets crisper and more repetitive. He stops strolling and pauses, tensed in the center of the stage, punctuating the staccato rhythms of his speech with his hands.

“...and so when I decided to run it was in part because I believed that the size of our challenges had outstripped the capacity of a broken politics to solve. And I was convinced that the American people wanted something different, they wanted something new. That they were tired of a politics that was all about tearing each other down, they wanted a politics that was all about lifting the country up. I was convinced of that. I was convinced the American people didn't want spin and PR. They wanted straight talk, truthfulness and honesty from their leadership. And I was convinced that the American people no longer wanted to be divided. They didn't want to be divided by race, they didn't want to be divided by religion, they didn't want to be divided by region, they wanted to come together to solve the problems of the United States of America.”

The crowd explodes in a standing O. Then he'd wait for it to die down and do it all over again. Only now it would be about health care. Or college loans. No Child Left Behind. The housing crunch. The price of oil and global warming. The war in Iraq. Build and release, build and release.

Most of the seats directly in front of the stage were occupied by African Americans dressed for church. They were intimately familiar with this kind of rhythm and bobbed to it in call and response like they were sitting in the pew. Amen, brother. Say it, Obama. Yes We Can.

“Lately my opponents have been trying to make this election about me instead of about you. They've been trying to say, well, you know we don't know him that well, we don't know what he believes, we don't know about his values. Despite the fact I wrote two books – it's all there, what I believe, think, what my story is. I try to explain to them ... how I've seen this country open up opportunity for people who are willing to work hard. They don't expect government to solve all their problems. All they hope is there's a handle there, they can get a handle on moving up. That if they work hard, they're going be able to find a job that pays a living wage. If they work hard, they'll be able to send their child to a good school. If they work hard, they're going to be able to get health care. If they work hard they're going to be able to retire with some dignity and respect. That's why I love this country. That's the change I've seen in my life. That's what every American deserves. That's what America is all about. That's what we're fighting for in this campaign. That's why you're here today. And if you vote for me... if you stand up with me, I promise you we will not just win this nomination, we will win this general election and you and I together will change this country and change the world.”

And that's where it should have ended. But Obama stuck around to answer questions, and the energy waned. He droned a bit in some of his answers, dragging in points he'd forgotten to make in his speech. An elderly woman came to his rescue, going on about clean water and clean politics, garnering huge roars from the crowd and setting up Obama for his best line of the afternoon.

“I'd like to answer your question, but first I have a question for you,” he said. “Will you be my running mate?”

Hillary and Obama both talked about those of us victimized by the last eight years of blinding stupidity, corruption, and ineptitude, but Obama also talked about the parties who've benefited from the Bush era -- the oil companies, the pharmaceutical firms, the car makers, the financiers. He boasted how he went to Detroit to tell them they had to make more fuel efficient cars and to Wall Street to tell them they needed to tamp down their raging greed -- and how his audiences there didn't give him any standing O's. He made a clear distinction between candidates who were in the pocket of Corporate America and those, like himself, who allegedly are not.

McCain has made a deal with the devil. Hillary's big plan is to turn down the thermostat in Hell a few degrees and serve ice cream on Sundays. Obama is saying that, if we pull together, we can take on the forces of Satan and defeat them.

If elected, he will probably get smacked down. Evil has been with us a long long time. The devil has too many friends in Washington and they're on both sides of the aisle. But after hearing him speak yesterday I know at least he's going to try. And that, for me, makes all the difference.

General Petraeus Urges New 'TiVo Strategy' for Iraq


Mastering remote controls may hold key to victory

By Dan Tynan
Special to The WitList

WASHINGTON DC -- Testifying before Congress today, General David Petraeus urged the nation to press “Pause” in its efforts to withdraw US troops from Iraq, more than five years after invading the sovereign nation.

Petraeus said the administration's new “TiVo Strategy” would provide a clearer picture of what's happening on the ground in Iraq, especially when viewed on high-definition TV sets. It also would allow the president to visit the potty and get a snack while the US military attempts to extricate itself from the war-torn nation.

Petraeus promised the president would return to the couch and hit Play, though probably not before late January 2009. Congressional Democrats urged the administration to press Fast Forward, but declined to take over the remote controls, saying they weren't sure how how to work the buttons and were afraid they might break something.

In other news, Senator David Vitter (R-La.) narrowly avoided severe injury yesterday when a car in which he was a passenger slammed into a stop sign outside a courthouse in northern Louisiana. Vitter was was being pursued by journalists seeking comment about his upcoming testimony in the DC Madam trial. The high-speed pursuit lasted approximately 15 feet. Police blamed aggressive paparazzi for the unlawful death of the sign.

Local prostitutes could not be reached for comment.

witlist

user-pic

Following:
Followers:

Posts
Comments & Recommends


Favorites

All Reader Posts
How to use myTPM

Advertise Liberally
Share
Close Social Web Email

"To" Email Address

Your Name

Your Email Address